I Swim in Tears

Hey guys! I had this written like three days ago, but I forgot about it and never uploaded. Sorry about that!

What’s up, bitches? It’s Cece and I can’t sleep so I’m here, writing a post, which may not be posted until morning, and I’m impersonating characters from tv shows. (Supernatural’s Charlie, anyone?) 

I’m not crazy, I swear. 

So today, er, yesterday I guess, since it’s very early morning, was my last day of school! Exams ended and I think I did pretty well, and Friday (today) is makeups, which means we don’t have to go in if we don’t have a makeup exam! Woohoo! 

I’m a little sad, though. My favorite teacher (English) is leaving to teach at another school, so I won’t even be able to visit next year 😦 

A whole bunch of people who had her contributed to a huge card, though, which was nice. I’ll miss her. She taught a lot of valuable things, much of it outside the curriculum. 

She inspired me to be myself even when it’s difficult, or to at least never forget who I am inside. The first thing I remember her telling us back in September was that we would be venturing outside our comfort zones throughout the year. I was terrified. But I mean, I did it. I got up in front of my class and gave a speech on homophobia, and it didn’t kill me. I came out in that speech, albeit subtly. And I don’t think I could have without the lessons she taught us about life. 

I’m getting all mushy. 

I spent all afternoon crying today–yesterday–whatever. First because it’s the end if the year and I am truly the most nostalgic person you’ll ever meet. I believe it comes from a deep hatred and slight fear (or at least discomfort) at even the prospect of change. I’m strange, I know, but this helped me on my English final. Don’t ask. 

Then I was crying even more because I was watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I love Willow and Tara, and currently they just got together, which makes me cry with joy, but then I know Tara dies later on, so you know, that’s emotional. 

And then combine that with a cold that leaves me leaking fluids from every hole in my face and you get a crying, coughing, tissue-covered heap of a girl drowning in snot. 

Well, hasn’t this post taken a pleasant turn. I’m going to leave you guys here before I say anything worse. As always, love you all.

XOXO

Quick edit: I’m much better. I woke up Friday morning with less of a cold and by Saturday I was mostly all better!

Moments to Come

Hey everyone It’s Muffin here, first hand, I would like to apologize for being so late I slacked off in not finding time from recovering from my wisdom teeth removal and the overall business during break.But I’ll save those stories for another post.

I would like write a post today that is also about what I want in the future, such as Kermit and Cece did.I would love to have I child, I can’t  wait for the days of cutting sandwiches in triangles, watching something that once wasn’t even a thought learn to grow and smile and come to cherish the world.

      I want to cry a little while sending them off to their first day of school, or be so proud with any of their accomplishments no matter how big or small.

   On the other hand though I want to live out some of my personal dreams such as exploring the world. oh how I have dreamed to see such beautiful sights of towering white mountains, or ashen plains near volcanos, even just small towns that I could not call home.

        I would adore the idea of becoming a famous photographer or  any type of artist, but also I want to teach and bring a whole new meaning to education rather then ready someone for jobs that aren’t really important anymore.

     I want to make a difference in the way some many people view their life and how I view mine. I want to wild and free like the breeze, without a care. I want to people to look up to me.

      I’m not sure if any of this will happen but I hope I really, really, really do hope that at least a little part of my dreams do, and I hope yours do to. 

Child of my Own

Greetings everyone!

So, Cece posted the other day about wanting kids when she’s grown up. I want to talk somewhere along the same line.

Loneliness is one of my biggest demons, second to anxiety. Whereas many people get nostalgic for younger, simpler times, looking back on when they felt pure and unadulterated joy when with a childhood friend, I tend to get choked by longing. Kind of like reverse-nostalgia.

I want to be older. I want to live in LA, become a youtuber. I want to write and draw and be with someone that I love and that loves me in return. That last one, the sheer not-being-able-to-seriously-be-with-someone part, is what I hate the most.

This is just a stupid fantasy, but I want to have a really good friend, you know? Someone who I can be me around. Someone who I can snuggle with without it being weird. I see him in my mind and I imagine that one night, were snuggling and we look at each other and everything stops. It’s just us. We lean in and kiss and it’s amazing to finally realize that I’m in love with my best friend.

But if I am ever to fall in love, it won’t happen like this. My mind constructed this fantasy.

I have always wanted kids. Ever since I, myself, was a kid, I’ve wanted kids. And now that I have come to terms with who I am, I realize that there will now be many complications. But, somehow, I know that I can’t let complications hold me back from my dreams. I want kids and I will, someday, have them.

That sounded creepy but I hope you understand what I’m saying.

My overall point is this: do not let people or ‘complications’ hold you back from your dreams. I may be young and right now, all my wants seem to be so far away, but I can get through everything and eventually live the life I know I deserve. And so can you.

You are all so wonderful. Keep telling others about us and if you have anything you want to say, leave a comment down below!

This is Kermit, signing off.

The Future Is Unpredictable

Hey, it’s Cece. I don’t have any real advice for y’all this week. But I do have something I want to write about. Not exactly a story, or a rant either. Just something I need to write down, and why not here?

I can’t say when it started, but I guess I sort of realized about a week ago that when I’m older–quite a bit older, certainly not ANY time soon by ANY means–I really want to have a child.

Like, I know when you’re a kid you play and someone’s the mom and someone’s the baby, but it seems so far off. And then you get into cooties and grow a little older and the thought is just eww. Never in my life have I had the desire to grow up and be a mom.

I’ve never even thought about the idea of children without a scowl on my face. Even now I grimace. But I’ve realized that when I’m older, when I’m all grown up, I want a little baby of my own.

I laugh when I think about this; I can just picture season five of The X-Files, maybe even season four, but especially season five, with Scully wanting a baby so bad even though she can’t have one. I watched that probably six months ago and even then my lip curled and I asked why she would ever want a kid.

But I almost get it now. Not quite, I’m not mature enough to get it totally. I’m only in high school. But if I find a woman I love, if I get married when I’m older, I want a kid in my future.

Any of you older readers (I’m  not sure how old any of you are, actually) experience this? Tell me in the comments below.

Also, I’ve figured out some ideas for a writing portion of this and I’ll keep you guys updated!

Thanks guys, the time you spend reading my posts means a lot. 🙂

I’m Kinda cold?

Hey guys, I decided to post early just cuz, i don’t really now. I’m just really bored and as the title states kind of cold so why not tell you guys a story. I got to experience what it feels like to be stuck sitting in a papa ginos for around three hours. For those who don’t know what papa ginos is, it is just another pizza place. I was happy at first because I had the fulfillment of stuffing my face with chicken wings with some honey mustard, but then our pizza came. It was really greasy and hot. When I picked up a slice all of the contents slipped right off and I was left with a slice of soggy bread. After I ate the sloppy mess, my papa decided to tell me that we had to wait for my other family members to arrive from unpacking my Aunts stuff into storage. I waited, and waited, and waited. And waited a little more. Still no one it has been an hour. My brother wants a refill which where free, you just have to ask the lady behind the counter. But my papa did not know that. He proceeded to go by the counter and get it himself,and then he got yelled at. After a long while the lady behind the counter asked what we  were doing and almost got thrown out for loitering. It was finally 7 o’clock and they arrive, and I ate some more greasy pizza. LOL!

Sorry

Hey guys. This is um Muffin. I am sorry that I did not post at all last week something really terrible happened on thursday. I got off the bus, usually when I get home I can here my dad practicing the drums, but that day I didn’t’ hear anything. I walked into the house and walked upstairs, and I saw that he was in the bathroom, so I thought everything was fine.I smile and put my stuff up on my bed and go hang down stairs on my couch. Only a few minutes later  my dad came downstairs and showed me his terrifyingly silted up and bloody wrist. Of course I asked him what had happened. He proceeded to tell me that he purposely did this with one of our stake knives. He was trying to get closer and closer to his vain seeing if he could make it. He was trying to commit suicide, he was trying to tell us he needs help. My dad is mentally ill with a mixture between schizophrenia, bipolar, and depression, lately his doctors have not been giving him the correct medicine. He purposely hurt himself to go to the hospital to get a medicine change.I couldn’t really focus on the website for a while because I had to take care of the house and my little brother all day since my mom was out visiting the hospital. Luckily he is okay and feeling better. He came home on Tuesday and I was so happy. If you are having a tough time with anything please don’t hurt yourself ever, use your words do other things to make people listen. Don’t put yourself in danger.

Get it Off My Chest

Hey, it’s Cece! I was on top of things and wrote this last night, so you get this post nice and early!

I have two things to address today, one being significantly more lighthearted than the other. I’ll leave that for last.

The first thing I would like to say, before we get to the sweeter stuff, is something I’ve never gotten rid of.

It’s sort of like a chip on my back. It’s the question I’m pretty sure we have all asked ourselves at one point or another: “Am I not good enough?”

While this seems extremely similar to my post last week, this week I’m saying it in a different manner.

Last week I talked about how I know I am important, and so are you, whether others think so or not.

This week, it’s more of me wondering whether I am trying hard enough to be a good friend. Whether I’m trusted, and if not, if it’s because I’m doing something wrong.

This is more about me wondering about myself and asking for your advice, because I honestly don’t know what to think.

I know I can be annoying. It’s a fact. Everyone is at some point, and I know I can be more often than others. It’s my personality (and the fact that when I get excited or nervous I repeat myself ten times.)

But I try to be understanding. I try to ask others when something seems wrong. I think I’m doing a pretty good job at it, too, because if they don’t want to talk I don’t usually push.

But–and I’ll just say it–I am pretty inept when it comes to socializing and interacting with others. I often can’t tell whether there really is nothing wrong or if they just don’t want to tell me.

I am not good at recognizing emotions. Is she sad or tired? Annoyed or just having a bad day? Does he hate me or just not want to talk today?

I don’t like socializing. Well, I do. I like talking with my friends. I NEED to. But I don’t like the hopeless feeling I get when I can’t even begin to try to tell what emotion someone is feeling.

I think sometimes I seem insensitive, since I also don’t react well to anything sad somebody tells me, which can be unfortunate when I want to offer comfort.

The other day I was talking to one of my friends. She seemed down, and so I asked her what was wrong. She said she was just tired and had a headache. I do believe her, because she’s a trustworthy friend.

But sometimes it seems like some of my friends don’t trust me, and on top of the fact that I can’t really tell whether I’m totally off the point in the emotion range, it’s frustrating. I believe her because she’s a trustworthy friend, but at the same time I’m not sure I should always believe her.

The friend I mentioned before has told me once before (when we had a fight) that she didn’t want to “push her problems on me.” It’s great that she cares about me and all, but aren’t friends there for EACH OTHER? She’s always there for me. I want a chance to prove I’m always there for her.

I think most of my friends think I’m childish. I think they don’t tell me as much as they tell others. I don’t think I’m quite as close to some of my friends as they say.

Sure, I’m a bit immature at times, but when it comes to my outlook on the world, I am anything but childish. I just sometimes have trouble expressing myself socially.

The next thing, which I seem to have mentioned so long ago…

There is a dance at my school coming up for my grade, and I was thinking of asking a girl I know. If anybody has suggestions on how to do it, I would appreciate any ideas at all!

I promise to tell how it goes down 😊.

I honestly have NO IDEA how she will respond, but we are relatively good friends.

Thanks for reading, guys (and gals). I know this was pretty long.